Sunday, August 16, 2009

Yaya Jokes

1. Yaya buys food at McDo.
Crew: “Dito niyo na po ba kakainin?”
Yaya: “Puwede sa table?”

2. Kid: “Yaya look, boats!”
Yaya: “Dows are not boats, dey’re yachts.”
Kid: “Yaya, spell yachts?”
Yaya: “Yor rayt, dey are boats.”

3. Woman carrying sick baby enters doctor’s office.
Doc: “Bottlefed?”
Woman: “Brea - stfed po.”
(Doctors squeezes woman’s breasts repeatedly)
Doc: “Ayan ang problema, wala kang gatas, eh.”
Woman: “Yaya lang po ako doc! Yaya!”

4. The eggs that yaya bought turned out to be rotten.
She stormed back to the grocery and told the vendor:
“Manong, ang baho ng itlog niyo!”

5. My mom asked our yaya to buy Inquirer and Star.
Our yaya came back and said: “Ma’am, wala pong Inquirer
kaya bumili nalang po ako ng dalawang Star!”

6. Yaya: “Huhuhu…”
Ate: “O, bakit ka umiiyak?”
Yaya: “Kasi ate ang dami kong pimples!”
Ate: “Eh bakit ka ba tinitighiyawat?”
Yaya: “Kasi po di ako makatulog sa gabi.”
Ate: “O, bakit ka di makatulog?”
Yaya: “Kasi po may pinoproblema ako…”
Ate: “Ano naman ang pinoproblema mo?”
Yaya: “Kasi ate ang dami kong pimples!”

7. (Earlier) Mom: “Yaya, lagay mo yung pesto sa ref!”
(Later) Son: “Yaya, nakita mo PS2 ko?”
Yaya: “Nasa ref, pinalagay ng mama mo!”

8. Just now my maid burned a hole in my uniform.
I angrily asked her, “Paano mo naman nasunog to?”
She answered: “Secret!”

9. After watching a movie, our yaya blurted out :
“Ang pangit naman, happy ending!”

10. Sir: “Yaya, gawa mo ko ng kape. Yung decaf ha!”
Yaya: “Siyempre naman, alangan namang de-baso!”

11. Mom: “Yaya, magluto ka na pag-alis ko ha!”
Yaya: “Ano po lulutuin ko?”
Mom: “It’s up to you.”
(During dinner) Mom: “Yaya, bakit ketsup at tuyo ang ulam?”
Yaya: “Diba nung tinanong ko kayo kung anong lulutuin ko,
sabi niyo, ‘kitsup tuyo’!”

12. Our neighbor’s yaya: “Junjun, chew your mouth!”

13. Our yaya sa sari-sari store: “Miss isang Coke in can
at isang Sprite na Coke in can…”

14. SIR: “Inday, si sir mo to, nabangga kotse ko & I need cash!”
INDAY: “Aru, dugo-dugo gang ka no?”
SIR: “Gaga! Si sir mo talaga to!”
INDAY: “Gago ka rin! Si sir ang tawag sa kin…kapkeyk…”

15. I once asked my yaya where the Netherlands is located.
She answered: “Diba dun nakatira si Peter Pan?”

16. “O yaya, bakit ka umiiyak?”
Yaya: “Ati, sabi kasi ng duktor, tatanggalan ako ng butlig!”
Ate: “Eh yun lang pala eh! Bakit ka umiiyak?”
Yaya: “Buti kung one lig lang, eh kung butlig, wala na kong ligs!”

17. We saw our yaya staring intently at the orange juice bottle.
Sabi namin: “Yaya, anong ginagawa mo?”
Yaya: “Shhh! Nakalagay sa bote, ‘concentrate’…”

18. Neighbor’s yaya telling her ward to climb down the stairs:
“Down to earth! Down to earth!”

19. My mom was going to buy our yaya a transistor radio.
Before my mom left the house, our yaya said,
“Ma’am, ang kunin niyo yung Ilokano ang salita ha!”

20. We paid for the tuition fee of our yaya’s son.
So one day I was reviewing him: “The Earth is the 3rd planet from the sun.
Ano ang katabi ng Mercury?” His mom, our yaya, answered:
“Parang Watson’s yata…”

21. Sir: “Yaya, natanggal mo yung mantsa sa barong ko?”
Yaya: “Opo! Tanggal na tanggal!”
Sir: “Good! Anong pinang-tanggal mo?”
Yaya: “Gunting, kuya! Gunting!”

22. Yaya to tricycle driver: “Magkano sa City Hall?”
Driver: “Ikaw lang?” Yaya: “Ay bakit, hindi ka sasama?”

23. (Si Kuya pumasok sa kuwarto ni Yaya)
Kuya: “Yaya…”
Yaya: “Koya, wag po! Wag Pooooo!”
Kuya: “Gaga! Uutusan lang kita!”
Yaya: “Si Koya naman…nagsa-suggest lang…”

24. Kid: “Yaya, spell orange?”
Yaya: “Depende. Yung kulay o yung prutas?”

25. Midget Yaya who was newly hired:
“Suwerte po kayo, ako ang napili niyo.
At least kung maibagsak ko si baby, mababa lang!”

26. Yaya to my brother: “Nag tothbrush ka na ng ipin?”
Bro: “Siyempre, alangan namang mag toothbrush ako ng kilikili!”

27. (after being scolded for breaking her promises):
“Ma’am, hindi na po ako mangangako ulit…promise!”

28. We had a yaya who claimed she was being courted by a kapre
in her province and wanted to take her to his kingdom.
Her reason for turning down the offer to be his queen?
“Kapre yun ma’am, malaki ang kwan nun! Wag na uy!”

29. AMO: “Bakit namatay ang aso?”
MAID: “Pinaliguan ko po ng laundry soap.”
AMO: “Nakamamatay ba yun?”
MAID: “Ewan ko nga po eh, pag-off ko ng washing machine patay na.”


30. Amo: Yaya use COOLING PLACE in a sentence.
Yaya: Sir! viry easy! iksample nagring yung phone,
(ring, ring, ring,) Yaya answered, " HILO , WHO'S COOLING PLACE?"

I Love Rubber Bands

By Bo Sanchez

Let me tell you a crazy story I heard recently.There' s this husband who out of sheer love for his wife decided to prove it to her. So he swam the widest oceans, crossed the deepest rivers, and climbed the highest mountains to show his deep devotion to her. But in the end, she divorced him.

Why? Because he was never home.(Get it?)

Let me tell you an experience I had as a kid. One day, I asked Mom, "Why do my shoes keep eating my socks?" As a young boy, that was always a mystery for me. All my other classmates never had that problem. Their socks remained tight and high up their legs the entire day.

Mom didn't answer my question but simply gave me two rubber bands which I dutifully placed around the top of my socks. To this day, fifteen years later, I still have permanent circle marks around my legs. But aside from giving me this slight defect, the two bands worked like magic.

It never occurred to me that Dad and Mom didn't have the money to buy a new pair of socks for me. So I wore five-year-old socks, all soggy, grayish, and garter less. And yet amazingly, I never complained. I believe it was because Dad was always home when I needed him. Every night, after coming from work, we'd jog together, sit around, and talk about Tarzan, Farrah Fawcett Majors,God, and what I wanted to be when I grew up (a stockholder) . On Saturdays, we'd walk to Cubao, eat a hotdog-on-a- stick,and buy new rubber bands before going home.

I've learned that in truth, we don't want our loved ones to show their love for us in big ways. Swimming the widest oceans, crossing the deepest rivers, and climbing the highest mountains seem spectacular - but that's not what we really want. Deep in our hearts, we just want them home. With us.

Sometimes, God will operate that way. Suddenly, He decides not to answer our prayers, or fill our need, or heal our sickness, or give us the miracle we're asking for. (He's got reasons why He won't, and believe me - they're pretty good ones.) So He'll just be there beside you, holding you in a hug. Sharing your pain. Weeping as you weep. Oh, He might give you some rubber bands. And that small comfort from Him will be more than enough to sustain you. Because the most essential truth you already know.

..to be home.

How many times do we miss God's blessings because they are not packed as we expected? I trust you enjoyed this.

Pass it on to others. Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; but remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for...

IF YOUR GIFT IS NOT PACKED THE WAY YOU WANT IT, IT'S BECAUSE IT IS BETTER PACKED THAT WAY! ALWAYS APPRECIATE LITTLE THINGS!

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Carpenter's Glasses

My mother's father worked as a carpenter. On this particular day, he was building some crates for the clothes his church was sending to orphanages in China. On his way home, he reached into his shirt pocket to find his glasses, but they were gone.
When he mentally replayed his earlier actions, he realized what had happened; the glasses had slipped out of his pocket unnoticed and fallen into one of the crates, which he had nailed shut. His brand new glasses were heading for China!
The Great Depression was at its height and Grandpa had six children. He had spent $20 for those glasses that very morning..
He was upset by the thought of having to buy another pair. It's not fair, he told God as he drove home in frustration. I've been very faithful in giving of my time and money to your work, and now this.

Months later, the director of the orphanage was on furlough in the United States. He wanted to visit all the churches that supported him in China, so he came to speak one Sunday at my grandfather' s small church in Chicago. The missionary began by thanking the people for their faithfulness in supporting him.

But most of all, he said, I must thank you for the glasses you sent last.. You see, the Communists had just swept through the orphanage, destroying everything, including my glasses.

I was desperate. Even if I had the money, there was simply no way of replacing those glasses.. Along with not being able to see well, I experienced headaches every day, so my coworkers and I were much in prayer about this. Then your crates arrived.
When my staff removed the covers, they found a pair of glasses lying on the top
The missionary paused long enough to let his words sink in. Then, still gripped with the wonder of it all, he continued: Folks, when I tried on the glasses, it was as though they had been custom made just for me! I want to thank you for being a part of that.
The people listened, happy for the miraculous glasses. But the missionary surely must have confused their church with another, they thought. There were no glasses on their list of items to be sent overseas. But sitting quietly in the back, with tears streaming down his face, an ordinary carpenter realized the Master Carpenter had used him in an extraordinary way.

There are times we want to blame God instead of thanking him! Perhaps we ought to try to thank Him more often. May GOD bless your week. Look for the perfect mistakes. People are like tea bags - you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are.

~Author Unknown~

Thursday, October 16, 2008

The Mayonnaise Jar and 2 Beers

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours
in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 Beers.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in
front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very
large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.
He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it
was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the
jar; he shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas
between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was
full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.
Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if
the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous yes.

The professor then produced the two beers from under the table and
poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty
space between the sand. The students laughed.



"Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I want you to
recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the
important things, your family, your children, your health, your friends
and your favorite passions, and if everything else was lost and only
they remained, your life would still be full."

"The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house
and your car. The sand is everything else, the small stuff. If you put
the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the
pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all
your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the
things that are important to you."

"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Spend
time with your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with
grandparents. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out
to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the
house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first, the
things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just
sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beers
represented.

The professor smiled and said, "I'm glad you asked. The beer just shows
you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for
a couple of beers with a friend."

Monday, October 13, 2008

A Sad Dad's Poem...

A sad Dad's poem...
This is a beautiful poem. There is an appeal from a Zimbabwean
couple at the bottom of message, not asking for anything more
than that you hand the poem on.
The husband wrote the poem.


TO MY CHILD

Just for this morning, I am going to smile when I see your face and laugh
when I feel like crying.
Just for this morning, I will let you
choose what you want to wear,and smile and say how perfect it is.

Just for this morning, I am going to step over the laundry and pick you up and take you to
the park to play.
Just for this morning, I will leave the dishes in the sink, and let you teach me how to put
that puzzle of yours together.

Just for this afternoon, I will unplug the telephone and keep the computer off, and sit with
you in the backyard and blow bubbles.
Just for this afternoon, I will not yell once, not even a tiny grumble when you scream and
whine for the ice cream truck, and I will buy you one if he comes by.
Just for this afternoon, I won't worry about what you are going to be when you grow up, or
second guess every decision I have made where you are concerned.

Just for this afternoon, I will let you help me bake cookies, and I won't stand over you
trying to fix them.
Just for this afternoon, I will take us to McDonald's and buy us both a Happy Meal so you can
have both toys.
Just for this evening, I will hold you in my arms and tell you a story about how you were
born and how much I love you.

Just for this evening, I will let you splash in the tub and not get angry.
Just for this evening, I will let you stay up late while we sit on the porch and count all the stars.
Just for this evening, I will snuggle
beside you for hours, and miss my favourite TV shows.
Just for this evening when I run my finger through your hair as you pray, I will simply be
grateful that God has given me the greatest gift ever given.

I will think about the mothers and fathers who are searching for their missing children, the
mothers and fathers who are visiting their children's
graves instead of their bedrooms. The mothers and fathers who are in hospital rooms
watching their children suffer senselessly and screaming inside that little body

And when I kiss you goodnight I will hold you a little tighter, a little longer. It is then,
that I will thank God for you, and ask him for
nothing, except one more day.............

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Funny JOke?

One Chinese person walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.
I nstead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get out of here."
The astonished Chinese man replied "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor , it was the Japanese".
"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.
I n return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says "You sank the Titanic; my forefathers were on that ship."
Shocked, Spielberg replies "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."
The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."

Chuck Twice and Push

One night, Tom does what he normally does - - - he kisses his wife, crawls into bed and falls asleep. All of the sudden, he wakes up with and elderly man dressed in a white robe sitting next to him!

"What the heck are you doing in my bedroom... and who are you?" he asked.

"This is not your bedroom," the man replied. "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven." "WHAT! are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young," said Tom. "I want you to send me back immediately. "

"It's not that easy", said St. Peter. "You can only return as a dog or a hen. The choice is your own."

Tom though about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog would be too tiring, but a hen would probably have a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad.

"I want to return as a hen," Tom replied.

And in the next second, he found himself nicely feathered and in a chicken farm. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow. Then along came the rooster.

"Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about,? he said. "How do you like being a hen?"

"Well, OK i guess, but it feels like my butt is about to explode."

"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. You need to lay an egg.

"How do I do that?" Tom asked.

"Cluck twice and then you push all you can."

Tom clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'plop' an egg was on the ground.

"Wow" Tom said. "That felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. and you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground.

The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:

"Doggone it Tom! Wake up! You're messin' up the sheets again!"